State of the Budget (speech from our President)

My fellow Americans,

Our nation has entered into a defining moment in its history, where we are faced with the possibility of a government shutdown. Let congress be forewarned, that a government shutdown, would affect the citizens of this nation in epic proportions. The best way to approach this challenge is to have a goal, not let politics get involved, and to remember that it is you, the citizens that will be affected if it does. Now, I have met with Majority Leader Boehner and Minority Leader Reid and I expressed my concern, no wait my displeasure, with the amount of time it has taken for Congress to agree on a budget. I do not want to hear any more excuses. I want it done. Do not blame the so-called Tea Party.

This is not November 29, 1773, and America is not faced with tariffs, America is faced with a turning point that will ultimately effect, education, jobs, our military and the future. Now is not the time to play party politics. Shutting down the government would affect our troops, who have already sacrificed enough for our country, and to hold their pay as ransom for budget cuts is unacceptable. That's right you heard me, without a budget, our troops aren't compensated. Their families that rely on it must go without; we would be asking the young men and women of our military to sacrifice on both ends. I have utilized Executive Privilege, to extend this congressional session until an agreement is reached.

I have made it clear, that I will not sign off on a budget that cuts programs for higher education yet provides a tax break for the wealthiest one percent. I will not sign off on a budget that awards tax breaks for shipping American jobs overseas, when we have unemployment numbers at its highest point since the Great Depression. However, I will sign off on a budget requires seizing operations in Iraq and Afghanistan so that those monies can be used to rebuild the infrastructure of America. The resources are there to create jobs and stimulate the economy, they just need to be re-appropriated.

Now, Senators Boehner and Reid, you have my fullest confidence in the execution of this budget, and I know that you will not let me and the American people down.

Thank you, and God Bless America.

The Revolution Should be Televised

For the second time this year, the political parties that run this country have entertained us with the sound bite- "Shutdown Showdown." They have come out of negotiations with two very different reports on progress. I guess they would rather discuss the NFL lockout; instead of doing their jobs. We have the Left reporting that they have agreed with a number to trim from the budget, and we have the Right reporting that they haven't agreed to anything. They want a specific amount cut and they would rather shutdown the entire system than to compromise. Does the Right view the Left as terrorists; and have dutifully instituted the, "This Nation Does Not Negotiate With Terrorists Act of 2012." The only problem with this is, they are colleagues that are supposed to share the same goal of running this country in the best interest its citizens.

So I offer a simple solution, televise the proceedings. Let us see what each side wants to cut, and why. Let us hear the Right argue how those with the most deserve more. Let the Left counter with economic growth, job creation and the ability to win the future are not up for the chopping block.

If the proceedings were indeed televised, this is how I imagine it going (closed caption provided by my keyboard).

Right: If we allow this administration to create jobs, it will undermine our 2012 bid for the White House.

Left: Unemployment is at an all-time high, and job creation is what everyone in this room ran on.

Right: And we will create jobs, starting on January 21, 2013- just in time to save us for the mid-term elections. Nothing personal, just politics.

Left: But it was you all that put the country in this predicament to begin with.

Right: The past is the past and we've change; we understand what is important, and just as our pledge stated, "We will continue to do what we've always done."

Left: Okay, you win. Can we break out the Wii now?

(Final six hours of the proceedings go to blue screen)

Both sides emerge from the proceeding looking tired, (mainly from the physical exertion of playing Wii) and the Dems seem very satisfied. The Republicans look beaten, yet victorious.

This is what they report:

Donkeys (because this is where they make an ass of themselves): Compromises were made in the name of Bi-partisan ship (meaning we switched up teams in our Wii playing after we proved to be the dominant party) and everyone had the opportunity to express themselves in this compromise.

Pachyderms  (so named because they never forget how good those good olde times were): We didn't get everything we wanted (they lost at Wii), but we are satisfied with the cuts that were made. We got to mix it up a little bit with the asses over there and I must admit, they were just as serious as we are about keeping the government running (Wii track and field).

Tea Leaves: These proceedings were business as usual in Washington.